this is the first time i'm blogging about my parents. perhaps it's because i'm scheduled for a talk with my mum tonight. I hate heart-to-heart talks. I wonder why people need to have them. but then, I think of how i craved for a heart-to-heart with p when he broke up with me and said and did lots of hurtful things. I couldn't believe it was the p i knew doing all that, i wanted him to tell me otherwise. I wanted so badly to talk to him, for him to say things i wanted to hear. Could this be the same as what my mum feels now?

She loves me unconditionally. There is no doubt to that! All the late nights spent cradling me to sleep, comforting me with boundless hugs, sacrificing time and effort to ensure I get the best and do the best I can. My position today is largely her achievement. She brought me to where I am now. Yet, there is a boundary between us now that I can't remember how started, or when. Feelings of affection come only briefly, sporadically- usually when I feel guilty or when she is weak and needs me to be there. Her need to control my life is stifling. It kills love. Or does it? Perhaps it kills intimacy. I used to turn to her when I was stressed or upset. I don't anymore.

What's with the bday party? Seriously, I should have just invited my family. Why didn't I? Things just got out of hand. I guess if she didn't make such a big deal of it I would have asked. And if she didn't make such a big deal of me not asking, I would have asked later and things would've been fine. But I didn't want to give in! Not after I'd fought so hard for my independance, my freedom, my right to make decisions.

I want so badly to grow up in my parents' eyes. I want them to trust me and let me go. I don't want to be controlled. I don't want to feel guilty for things I would otherwise not pay second thoughts to if not for their presence. am i wrong? i must be. why else are things the way they are now between us?

lots of thoughts crossed my mind just now. one of which was, if i really tried for med school, the reason would be to forget. to re-enter the world of striving, of empowerment through achievement. the simplicity of this world, narrow though it was before, is alluring. the world that let me survive, alone, through my secondary and jc years. i had goals. i had important things to achieve, important dreams to chase. i had things to worry about that stayed constant, and in that way, remained manageable. when dreams were merely grades, career, or wealth. when dreams did not have a mind of their own, or betray, or hurt.

There is a pleasure in the pathless woods;
There is a rapture on the lonely shore;
There is society, where none intrudes,
By the deep sea, and music in its roar:
I love not man the less, but nature more.

~Lord Byron

Stopping By Woods On A Snowy Evening
Robert Frost

Whose woods these are I think I know.
His house is in the village though;
He will not see me stopping here
To watch his woods fill up with snow.
My little horse must think it queer
To stop without a farmhouse near
Between the woods and frozen lake
The darkest evening of the year.
He gives his harness bells a shake
To ask if there is some mistake.
The only other sound's the sweep
Of easy wind and downy flake.
The woods are lovely, dark and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.