Ten years

Sometimes I wonder how things would be now if I had made certain choices differently. The life-changing choices were but a few. Signing on the dotted line was one. So is staying back in sg.

I suddenly feel nostalgic about my choices because of what a friend told me. She's a postdoc in my lab. She's still in love with her last boyfriend, whom she broke up with about 10 years ago. no shit, she's still deeply in love with him. And recently, she found out that he's already married, with a kid.

How her world must have crashed then! Harboring this hope of reconciliation for so many years only to have it crushed in an instant by reality. It's easy to get lost in a dreamworld where you hope that your feelings for someone can defy all odds, and finally this perseverance will pay off. But most people simply discard old things, they move on. And when you finally wake up from your sentimentalism, you find yourself left behind, cheated, shortchanged of some years of your life. The true love you gave frittered away, betrayed by the ignorance or apathy of your ex.

shit...i feel really bad for this friend. it's so sad...she's now 32, single, her life revolves around lab, her parents, her toddler niece and this futile dream. Sometimes it's not that great to stick to your principles. Moving forward can be hard at first but it gets easier with time. Holding on is easier to reconcile with at the moment of passion, but as the years drift by, the situation becomes increasingly bleak and silly. and then its much harder to let go. much much harder admit you've been wrong all this time, and it's finally time to move on now.

I feel sad knowing that my mum is dying. And I feel sad that there is a distance between my dad and i that can never be bridged. i feel sad that my sister has a pilot boyfriend whom she will follow to different places when she gets married, and hence will not always be by my side. I feel sad that there is no certainty of happiness in my life. I'm torn between staying in Singapore forever, or still doing a PhD overseas. I've set my sights on MIT. Will I get in? Will loris? What if only one of us does? I can't deal with long-distance for so long. I want to move forward in life...which means get married, have kids, pursue my dream career with the knowledge that my family is also on this journey with me. But what about my family in sg if I head to MIT for five years? Will I miss out on the last years of my mum's life, my grandma's? And I have a gripping fear I will lose my dad in a sudden heart attack and never be able to tell him things I want to. And I have been treating my sister badly of late because I'm party jealous of her happiness now and partly feeling left out of her life.

sleepless night

DBS is now at 8.27 i think. If only I had sold both at 8.88. Is it always like that in shares, always if only? But this is the least of my worries. I have so much to worry about now. I feel heavy with worry, like with every step I sink an inch deeper into the earth. Like there is a stronger gravity pulling me downwards than everything else around. Like a physical ache again.
oh god i need to be peaceful. i need to feel peace emanating from inside of me. i need everything to settle down once again so i can feel blissfully bored with life. oh god, i want to escape!
but it is no use. i can't escape because by that very act i will create more heaviness. I want to reach out to the people I pushed away but it has been so long. i want to know clearly in my heart who i love and who i don't but it has been so foggy. how can such simple things be so difficult? why are the lines so blurry? why am i not able to throw away the useless past? Why am I unable to humble myself? Why am I unable to free myself?

every time i think i've grown, there will be two other times to show me how far away I still am from being who I thought I had become.