New Year New Blog =)

there are things bothering me and adding small weights onto my holiday mood. firstly, for no good reason at all i one-sidedly fell out with r and caused myself unnecessary anguish. i can't place the outburst of emotion. i think it is a buildup from many other times i'd wanted to express myself better but just didn't. couldn't? i can't cross a barrier that separates me and an open hand...over the years through my neglect, many hands have closed. i've lost opportunities. i wanted to show love but instead showed aloofness. but nothing can be taken for granted, not my silent affection nor their tacit understanding.

recently i dreamt of a chase and while we were hiding behind a huge rock one translucent man gave birth to baby siberian tigers.

another thing bothering me is my lack of christian faith or any faith for that matter. through simple observation i have noticed admirable characteristics in people with religion that i don't see in people without one. Things like self-reassurance, contentment and just plain, pure faith that things will turn out fine. So what if I used to despise this? i can't articulate properly why, but it goes something like, those people are weak and need to rely on their own make-beliefs to pick themselves up from failure/adversity. Those people need external strength to feel love and happiness and to give up their sins. Now I am more receptive to the idea because I feel like I cannot do it alone. and i've tried for a long enough time.

One more thing. I am beginning to feel utterly fed up with the whole med school idea. I enjoy my job now, I can see opportunities ahead to rise into places I want to be, and I like the security of a bond. Did I mention how much I love Singapore? i can assure you this is a function of my sentimentality, not government propaganda.

anyway, i've tired myself out of my problems again and it's time to get back to the real world.

we set up the xmas tree! =) me, loris, tweezus and tweezus' guy in question (tgiq).

it was my first time meeting tgiq, and might i say, the best thing i can say about him from our brief encounter (dinner+tree) is...he looks...decent.

man, i feel like a parent watching him pat my sister's head, as if i needed to protect her from the wilds of the world. from a pants pulled high 30 yr old who is in my dad's own words too direct for his liking.

i don't like the look of tgiq, but somehow the wiser of society has taught me not to judge a book by its cover.

Xmas presents i bought this year:

Jacket for dadsie
New bedlinen for mumsie
Handbag for tweezus
Apollo cakes for mama
Earrings and necklace set for the Garengo sisters
I didn't get anything for loris and i don't know if i should add the yet, yet.

loris and i weathered our first major storm. and it wasn't even deliberate, haha!

blue balloon

i woke up tonight thinking again
not about anything specific like a person or honey stars
but just thinking and sinking,
do you get that feeling too

when you wake up not knowing what woke you and still
a firm glove grips your heart and pulls it into gravity
you want to shake it off so you get out your sword
and pierce deep into the pump
awakening the numb
hoping against all that the evil will bubble out into
a nice shape on the floor you can see and mess over
like writing in puke putrid vomit, hah
like building a castle in splinters
you want to make, create, but your mind's a child
some say that's when the best art is formed
but you know better
abstractness is, pure gibberish.

yes you know better than to fall for that
but, if it moves millions he says, try and be moved
just so you can figure out
maybe half the world's population
like it matters
and the glove comes at me, and i duck
a nonbeliever running from a nonbelief
is that abstract art or what
but really, whatever it is it weighs on me
as i writhe in awkward shapes on the floor
in the food i ate that pleased me in the morn (but not so much now)
the thing- it wraps around everything
flowing and trapping
i'm thinking and sinking-

so SAD! =( after the wash u interview, i thought i got in...but i didn't. i don't know why. in my eyes the interview went very well...i guess my eyes are not as good at seeing clearly as i thought.

should i go for penn and emory? i'm so disheartened. i'm not as sure of myself anymore.

and to think all through the plane ride i was worrying about the needless. about what to do with my astar committment and how to be with mr loris if i did my mdphd. doesn't look like it's gonna happen now.

in a sense i'm relieved. if i decide not to go for the other interviews, i'll probably feel a lot better.

how do i decide?

in the ord-hk ride, this cute lil boy sat beside me and put his tiny foot on my thigh every now and then while he slept on his mum's lap. he was really really cute, as cute as my pom. and as i sat there looking at him curled up on two seats i felt my motherly instincts twitch. as i told mr loris, i must be getting old because kids can somehow move me like they never could before.

so while i was worrying about my (now known non-) acceptance to wash u i also thought about how doing an mdphd may not be the best option for me. i want to have kids, and i want to be there when they grow up. i want to do other things besides science, like learning to dance good salsa, to sing in a musical (haha, my long-time dream). what i mean is, i don't see happiness in a life that is 99% career-oriented, much as I'd like to be a successful career woman. i want to be a successful person more, and being that means having a family to nurture and nurturing it well, and doing meaningful science, and pursuing my personal hobbies. these are the things that can make me happy. will i have the time to do all this if i go down the mdphd track?

sigh. you'd think that having the option is a blessing, but it may not be. i'm torn between choices. i still have a shot at the other schools, but even if i get in, should i do it?

on the other hand, the easier way out, which may also be the better way, beckons. the calling is strong.

Just as I have proven myself capable of being exceptionally lucky (mcat) and successful(gre general) in my ability to scrape by with a reasonable score without too much pain, I've also recently proven that I can fall flat on my face. GRE subject Biology (not molec) score 720, 70th percentile. It's a fantastic score. It's the most accurate score I've predicted for any exam I took, and I wish I'd complained about it more so that I can say HAH, SEE, I told you I screwed up and really know I did. haha...

aiyh, another screw up is that I prematurely committed to sending all my grad schools this crapscore, which means my gre general score will not be sent until ETS releases my subject score as well (i called in to find out early), wth.

I am very hopeful about wash u. It's a very good place for immunology research (met so many of the big boys in my field it's crazy and so humbling and inspiring), the MSTP has lots of money to spend on its students, the cost of living in st louis is so low the 27,000 stipend allows most students to buy a car and a house (yes BUY), and the program is ranked fourth on US rankings for top medical research institutions. I'll be very disappointed if I get a phone call from wash u within the next two weeks. their system is funny, if you get a phone call, it means you're rejected. *please don't call me, international calls more ex.

i'm at the ORD airport now. Bored, and surfing around for something interesting mr loris might be able to do at wash U for grad school. but man, wash u BME really sucks, there is no denying that. Shall look for projects under the med school instead.

Sigh, this is so not working. unless mr loris changes his research focus from neuro to cardio there ain't gonna be any good projects for him at wash u. sigh!

emory just sent me an interview invite, but they won't pay for my flight. But emory is in Atlanta, and Georgia Tech is in Atlanta, and emory and Georgia tech has joint graduate programs, and GTech is ranked 4th for BME grad school in the states.

wash u put me up at the chase park plaza, which is by all standards a luxury hotel. i walked in and couldn't believe my eyes. i got my own one bedroom suite complete with living room, study area, separate bedroom w king size bed and bathtub,oh and two plasma tvs.. my only gripe is that i had to pay for broadband myself. but i'm not complaining at all, i'm grateful to be here man. i like wash u already. not just because they treat their mstp students so well, but bcos the professors and administrators and students themselves are so friendly and welcoming that you almost feel like you're part of a big family.

i was scared of being alone again at first, like always. but one day by myself and i realized i'm not a person who cannot live alone. i'm perfectly ok by myself, and even enjoying my own company when i'm not worrying about something else (like the interview). i guess the difference between now and a few months back is that i didn't have someone (other than my family) loving me unconditionally. why my family isn't enough is another separate issue. or maybe it's nothing unusual, just a natural phenomena that forces people to look for their other half.

it makes a difference. i hope both mr slow loris and i get into wash u. if not wash u, then emory. i heard from a current mstp here that emory's a reallly nice place. the campus that is, not the city/suburb/whatever.