I have quite a bit to write about today because they've been accumulating over the days and I haven't had the time to blog.

First, I met up with B over lunch. I had quite a bad impression of his character before and to my close friends I've even said things about him that were not flattering (Sorry.) But I have to retract them now because he seems to have changed. He's a lot more calm and at peace with himself now, responsible, and trusting in the good side of human nature. I really think that this has a lot to do with the fact that he turned to Christianity a few months back. I am beginning to see that maybe there is nothing to lose in trying it out for myself.

Anyway, I shouldn't have judged B before. Who am I to? Compared to him I grew up in great abundance. I didn't have to worry about supporting my family when I passed out from JC and now I complain about my parents demanding money from me when they are still earning more than me and my sister combined, but how about B who has to help his mum out with a mortgage and his sister's university fees? That kind of responsibility is something I have not experienced and can only imagine, how it must weigh on him, and the dreams he gave up to shoulder them..

On a much lighter note, my cells came back from the dead. It is a miracle. All I did was to ask for help, and I got it. I replaced the low dose IL 2,7,15 media with a high dose of IL 2. Five days later, my cells look alive. Thank you American Post Doc.
But I have yet to test them. They may have lost their specificity anyhow...CROSSING MY FINGERS! but it won't be so bad even if they really did, cos I already gave up on them a week ago. heartache over liao.

I did something for the first time last Sunday. I went fishing in a longkang with yd, evelyn, and her bf. It was hot, and man was it filthy, but i had fun. Loris' dad said I broke the law though. I poached. Even though we were 'poaching' with silly amateur fish nets (the kind you use to scoop goldfish out of your fish tank) and we didn't catch anything other than longbeaks that were less than 3cm long and let them go anyway. We did see this uncle with his southeast asian bride using a huge and much more pro net and a bucket hauling in two lobster shrimp (who knows what those are called, they're just shrimp with pincers) and a soon hock. Among other less impressive catch. Well, he did give us a tour of that longkang's full potential.

I got filth on my legs that I didn't manage to scrub off for a day. And I was late for loris' dinner that night...

okay, i think that's it. I'd like to have a movie marathon one of these days. Just kick back, relax, and be a couch potato. At home. With family. Maybe a few friends. Actually, with my family alone and the loris and TGIQ (who is, just to update those who know, now tweezus'  bf and a super aggressive one imho), there will be hardly any more space left on the sofa.

i should get back to work...

I love my work. I love my work. I love my work.

because i killed some cells that were precious. No more...

Gone.

My PI is not angry with me anymore. He just came to talk to me. Yay, very happy now haha. =)))

I'm doing a lot of work that is not really wet-lab type or any type of research at all. So I'm a bit hesitant to say 'research' when people ask me what I do. I help my pi review papers, check for grammatical errors, compile data into aesthetically pleasing diagrams, make powerpoint slides for lab pres-es, read, and then only the rest of what little time there is left, I do hands-on labwork.

research in a human translational lab is slow. so so slow. Always got to wait for new cell samples to arrive, and when they do, got to deal with the low volume per sample.

I just got scolded by my PI, he was nice about scolding me, I majorly screwed up in lab. I feel really bad. It seemed like the end of the world for a while but I think life will move on.

My future is so uncertain. My career path...Mr. Loris...
I need more money to pursue my dreams...

I need to work more sensibly in lab...

I'm so stressed.

I like my PI.

I wanted to post this last night but I was too lazy to but I think I'll post it now even though my enthusiasm has waned for what I'm about to say mainly because the loris and I just got into a little tiff about something small and silly really...

I wanted to say that I'm really fortunate to have someone accompany me willingly and happily while I visited my grandaunt and went around to different places to get the exact brand of hair dye she wanted and to change her bedsheets and do idle chit chat and even though he was really tired there were no complaints nothing, and we were simply enjoying each others' company while we did those mundane things.

That's all...

I can't sleep. Even though I feel good about my slides, somehow the thought of giving a presentation still causes me some amount of stress. I'm presenting at lab meeting tomorrow. I think I'm still too afraid to make mistakes, and make a fool of myself. I need to be 'kai-dao'-ed in this sense. One day, when I can make mistakes without feeling defensive or inferior but just simply making them humbly and learning from them, then I think I'll be a lot more successful in my career. And in life in general.

I'm attracted to doctors. They are always so busy, too busy to be overly bothered with you. Busy with doing important things like cutting out tumours and amputating limbs. They dress nicely, and they look distinguished. Over the years they develop a knack at talking to people, so gently and matter of factly that you always feel like you are listening to advice you should probably follow.

It is valentine's day in a bit...I don't have anything to give mr. loris. Nothing material, anyway. The past day has been eventful. I saw loneliness in my grandaunt's eyes and felt it in her heart. I think I can only feel a fraction of it. She's been through more than a bit. A cheating husband who left her, subsequent mental breakdown, falling out with her only child, and now, around 82 years of age she lives alone in a flat, her daughter and grandkids doing well in the states but noticeably absent from her life. We picked her up at the cgh A&E dept, her face was swollen. No she wasn't crying, it was swollen from injury. She'd fallen face first off the bus on her way to posting a cpf statement to her daughter. Alone and cold on a wheelchair, forgotten amongst the bustle of the A&E dept. And she was hungry. What is wrong with the nurses that they didn't give her any food since the morning when she was admitted? We picked her up around 8pm. She ate her chee cheong fun so fast despite her swollen lips. I am so ashamed of my parents for waiting till after dinner to pick her up. But though I blame them for this misjudgement (don't really believe they would do it if they'd seen how badly she was injured or how pitiful she looked when we first came) I know my dad is tired of having to 'save' this grandaunt from her mishaps. She is a stubborn old lady, and he is an authoritarian who likes to be obeyed. On the first day of chinese new year when i refused to give in to his unreasonable dissatisfactions (this was my perception, but of course, I could have just remained silent and let it go just because he is my dad), he chased me out of the house. It was a first for me and I felt something break loose inside. I packed my stuff and left. I never dared to before. But at that moment I was so tired and so defeated. For that I also begrudge him. I'm not yet as benevolent and forgiving as I would like my ideal self to be.


Independence is overrated and I wish my grandaunt would agree to move into an old folk's home. At least she'd stay out of harm's way. But this is from the perspective of someone who's not gonna be around to care for her. I guess she must be afraid of the unknown too. Who does she count on to get her out if someone mistreats her at the home? I'd be scared too if i were her. Nieces and nephews, even sisters, can get so fed up and burdened that they just don't care any more if you are happy, just that you are safe. Fulfilling their minimal duties. I'd rather be happy than safe when I am old.


anyway, I was back visiting relatives with my family merely a few hours after my departure that first day of new year. It was a relief, even though, I hope not, but, some things when broken can never be fully mended. Perhaps it was broken a long, long time ago. First the trust, then the heart. maybe that's why there's always this gap between us. First it were your mistakes, then, mine for not being able to forgive them from long ago.

i don't like plain coffee
but milo with espresso is a lifesaver.

4 Basic traits the ideal guy should Not have:

1) Violence
2) Bad temper
3) Immaturity
4) Untruthfulness

But not having all these things does not already make him attractive.

strength of spirit. sense of stability.

i'm not in the mood to entertain guests, but i have to...

jay chou isn't a fantastic singer, but his songs reach out to a lot of people. they make them think about their troubles and go yes, this is life...and there's always some gentleness to be found in the hardest places..

first day of chinese new year. i found out that i can count on the loris no matter what. i had everything packed for a few days, and i felt surprisingly guilty but relieved at the same time. a big decision had been made for me and i had no other choice...this was the best one...not...

my fixation on settling on the best choices doesn't really work for me all the time...

In chronological order from the moment I woke up...
Hesitation (at the prospects of the day)
Rage (dad)
Sadness (dad)
Guilt (grandma)
Fear (what do i do?)
Grateful (mr loris)
Financially poor (mr loris' relatives)
Envy (mr loris' relatives)
Dissatisfaction (a lot of things)
Pride (myself)
Relief (basketball)
Excitement (basketball)
Freedom (basketball)
Happiness (basketball with loris and a bear)

whoa! we gotta sit for a psychometric test again...the last one was 3 years ago...wonder if my assessment will turn out the same as before...
I was 'anxious and depressed'. I think the test is pretty accurate even though I make fun of it from time to time. People who don't know me well enough laugh too. Let me have a more optimistic assessment this time round please..............so that I don't have to visit some astarpsychiatrist. The last one half annoyed me and half freaked me out...and if i have another half to spare i'd say he almost made me laugh...

Oh, that was one of the first times i saw xs. At the psychiatrist's clinic. The test must really work... No I don't mean it in a mean way. Just recently we were discussing about our natural states, and both of us agreed we were not happy people by nature.

I saw A and J today at the seminar my PI hosted...they looked so up in the clouds...romancing is...therapeutic. Almost a medicine for life.

There you go, chronic anxiety and depression. Poor mr loris if he is stuck with me.

Asked my PI first thing in the morning about my 3rd trip...and he was in a good mood, and we chit-chatted for a bit about South Italy, and my wine-blending, and I'm GOING for my last round of interviews in March! =D!!!

big big weight lifted off me.

he's happy, i'm happy.