It is valentine's day in a bit...I don't have anything to give mr. loris. Nothing material, anyway. The past day has been eventful. I saw loneliness in my grandaunt's eyes and felt it in her heart. I think I can only feel a fraction of it. She's been through more than a bit. A cheating husband who left her, subsequent mental breakdown, falling out with her only child, and now, around 82 years of age she lives alone in a flat, her daughter and grandkids doing well in the states but noticeably absent from her life. We picked her up at the cgh A&E dept, her face was swollen. No she wasn't crying, it was swollen from injury. She'd fallen face first off the bus on her way to posting a cpf statement to her daughter. Alone and cold on a wheelchair, forgotten amongst the bustle of the A&E dept. And she was hungry. What is wrong with the nurses that they didn't give her any food since the morning when she was admitted? We picked her up around 8pm. She ate her chee cheong fun so fast despite her swollen lips. I am so ashamed of my parents for waiting till after dinner to pick her up. But though I blame them for this misjudgement (don't really believe they would do it if they'd seen how badly she was injured or how pitiful she looked when we first came) I know my dad is tired of having to 'save' this grandaunt from her mishaps. She is a stubborn old lady, and he is an authoritarian who likes to be obeyed. On the first day of chinese new year when i refused to give in to his unreasonable dissatisfactions (this was my perception, but of course, I could have just remained silent and let it go just because he is my dad), he chased me out of the house. It was a first for me and I felt something break loose inside. I packed my stuff and left. I never dared to before. But at that moment I was so tired and so defeated. For that I also begrudge him. I'm not yet as benevolent and forgiving as I would like my ideal self to be.


Independence is overrated and I wish my grandaunt would agree to move into an old folk's home. At least she'd stay out of harm's way. But this is from the perspective of someone who's not gonna be around to care for her. I guess she must be afraid of the unknown too. Who does she count on to get her out if someone mistreats her at the home? I'd be scared too if i were her. Nieces and nephews, even sisters, can get so fed up and burdened that they just don't care any more if you are happy, just that you are safe. Fulfilling their minimal duties. I'd rather be happy than safe when I am old.


anyway, I was back visiting relatives with my family merely a few hours after my departure that first day of new year. It was a relief, even though, I hope not, but, some things when broken can never be fully mended. Perhaps it was broken a long, long time ago. First the trust, then the heart. maybe that's why there's always this gap between us. First it were your mistakes, then, mine for not being able to forgive them from long ago.