This short story's really moving. Click on the quote to read

"We’re conditioned to think that our lives revolve around great moments. But great moments often catch us unaware - beautifully wrapped in what others may consider a small one."

Thoughts.

Yesterday, I met up with D whom I haven't seen since sept last year. I found out that she was working longer hours than me for lesser pay, even though I previously imagined she would be in some high-powered, high paying job (just because her dad was). Anyway, we chatted for hours, and it was interesting to learn about her relationship. It seems she tolerates a lot from the boyfriend, and it seems, she's in a relationship that is very similar to my previous 'relationship' with R. guy. The difference is that I was much less tolerant and patient, and much more insecure and proud. It seems that he's the type of guy who likes to 'have fun' outside of the relationship, whom girls fall easily for, flirt with, party a lot with etc...non-committal, afraid to be tied down or held accountable to...
Ok, so he is 27 and has already started 3 companies. He is probably good-looking, and definitely capable. But if a guy does not hold you dearly in his heart, I do not see the point of holding on to the guy. But I can also see that she's blind to this just as I would be in her shoes.

I doubt my ability to love someone fully. Every person I have claimed to love- there is something about them that I do not love. If I can't love the good with the bad, then what is this so-called love worth? Maybe it is still valuable because it is the best I can give, and we can only expect the best from another, right? Or, maybe it is just not worth receiving because of its incompleteness and thus insincerity.

Money...not enough of it.

I am lamenting the fact that I feel and am poor. I refuse to take money from my parents because they are coping with huge medical bills for my mum's treatment, of course I want the best for her and it is after all her own money (and my dad's) that she's spending...I told her not to worry about leaving any money behind for us, I just want her to have the best care now. I feel sad every time I think of the fact that I'm not earning enough money to pamper her now while she's here. When my earning power comes, I am afraid she will not be here any more. Hence it isn't justified for me to take a single cent from my parents when I should already be providing for them...

I am determined to make lots of money! Being poor feels terrible. Today I went to the doctor because I was down with flu, and the bill almost came up to 43. That's 3 bucks more than my allocated daily expenditure (1200/30 = 40/day), and this is without me saving a single cent! I had to tell the receptionist I didn't want my cough mixture and sore throat pills to bring the bill down to 33. Anyway, I really didn't feel like taking those medicine la.

But the bottomline is, I can't wait for the day I am earning lots of money, when I have money to lead the type of lifestyle I was leading before my mum fell ill and before loris left. Enough money to ensure my family can lead the same type of lifestyle I envision for myself. Enough money to help others who are poor too. Money money money!

of Love and Life

It's interesting comparing how each of us grows and changes, I'm saying this with reference to both xs and ta's recent posts. I've also changed significantly in some ways. I'm happy with both where I am headed and what I am doing at the current moment. I think this is what it means to be living my life in the present. I'm truly contented with my current situation even though I know it is a long road, because I will be enjoying every minute of it! Ok, ALMOST every minute, maybe not those times my experiments fail or when I stumble upon some problem or other. But you get the gist, I am happy with my life/career/pursuit. It's everything together.

I'm also more settled relationships-wise. My outlook on relationships has matured greatly, and I am ready to commit despite adversity or distance. Because I've felt the pain of losing someone I loved, and I am still in constant fear and occasional panic about losing my loved ones to religion/illness/a prettier girl, this has made me decide that I have to have the courage to love deeply and unconditionally now, in this moment, when I am still being loved by the ones I love. When their heart or body or mind is still with me, I must cherish this time and appreciate the gift. It is the greatest feeling and the greatest gift in the world. This is a life-changing realization. With this new knowledge I feel very powerful, because nothing else matters as much anymore. I know I will always face difficulties and stress because this is the way I am, I think too much and give myself a hard time over trivial matters..but, as long as I remember to take a step back and appreciate the fact that I am here with my family whom I love and who loves me, and even when my parents are gone I will have my sister with me until we grow into old wrinkled ladies, and that loris is loving me despite being so far away... thinking about these beautiful things make me feel happy and fortunate, and my problems if any, less daunting. I believe in this unconditional love between people much like other people believe in a God...it is like a religion in the sense that it comforts and stabilizes me.

Anyway, I should update more about my research. It is very exciting. Even though my PI isn't very established yet, he works on very translational stuff, and no I did not use that word too loosely. Who knows, the drug I am testing now would be in clinical trials within the next few years...very very exciting stuff. Things move really fast in this field, which can be good or bad.

Life outside of lab....? Lab is my life and I am enjoying it. All other waking hours (hmm, even in my dreams sometimes) are spent thinking/missing loris. haha.

btw, today was payday. Although the pay is significantly less, I'm nevertheless happy. I spent 78bucks on facial products from the body shop.

Finally, my new lab

My transition into the new workplace was full of small excitements and disappointments. First I was excited to start work after a two-month hiatus because I was just feeling too bummy and financially poor to keep bumming. But on my first day of work I realized I had no where to sit and no bench to work on and instead they were clearing a space for me one level up from where the rest of the lab was. This is a bummer because 1)it is lonely 2)all the equipment and reagents and facilities are downstairs! I comforted myself that this was only a temporary arrangement as we're moving to the new building in March and besides I will probably take over marc's space when he leaves. Marc's an fyp student and has 2 mths left on his project. The next day my space was cleared and my mood blipped upwards a little cos I realized that my space was a nice quiet and SPACIOUS space, unlike downstairs where the entire lab of 7 people share just two short rows of space. I had an entire row to myself, discounting the agarose gel packs that were on the far end of my bench. Then it dawned on me. Agarose gel electrophoresis. This means there could be ethidium bromide if the person using the method was old school! He is. And to my further horror, (thanks people for not giving me a headsup and instead choosing the ignorance is everyone's bliss path), I found out that my very space had been used for EtBr work!!!!!! BAH! I don't want to get cancer! What have I touched already that is probably contaminated with EtBr???

Then another bummer followed this one, the fact that I did not have an assigned computer. Sure, my colleagues were very good about letting me use theirs but still it felt like an invasion of their space whenever I needed to use a computer plus, this is like a huge step back from my previous lab where I had a whole bench, work station, and PC to myself, and I sat in a very convenient position in relation to equipment (albeit the very exposed orientation). Right. So in this lab I have a crappy space that is lonely, inconvenient and dangerous, and no computer. And all this for a substantial reduction in salary because the lab was outside of the family. Wana know how much the reduction is? Let's just say I can take a comfortable taiwan trip once a month just on the amount alone, and if I saved it up for four months, there's my trip to the US to visit loris. Sigh.

So I guess quite a few things were not going ideally for me, but my consolation is that I am really interested in the research, and for once I feel sure that I am in the right lab because this is what I want to do when I finally become a clinician scientist. I have a lot to learn from my PI- I'll probably be following in his footsteps. Btw I didn't mention that I have faith in my PI's capabilities (which is rare)- he is organized and coherent, and has a long term plan and it seems like also the brains and shrewdness to pull it off. Hence I am very hopeful that I will stay in his lab for my PhD, despite the former plan to consider a PhD in Duke. That's one happy thing for me. Another happy thing that happened, well two, is that yesterday, I asked for and got a computer for myself and a day off on Tuesday.

I forgot to mention another two good things I found out about my new lab. A lot of people like to play badminton and I heard some were quite good at it, and also, a number of people lurrve karaoke like me! I'm hopeful that I can occupy my days in their company, because I predict that I will feel quite lonely without loris. Luckily though, I am so interested in my new lab that loris says I am becoming a workaholic. I hope so, because my research will also become one of my lifelines. Something to keep my mind of the time.

I have more things to tell but I just have to wait because I wasted enough time already on this and I need to get my secondary essays done by Wed. Today's my only free day to do it.