there are things bothering me and adding small weights onto my holiday mood. firstly, for no good reason at all i one-sidedly fell out with r and caused myself unnecessary anguish. i can't place the outburst of emotion. i think it is a buildup from many other times i'd wanted to express myself better but just didn't. couldn't? i can't cross a barrier that separates me and an open hand...over the years through my neglect, many hands have closed. i've lost opportunities. i wanted to show love but instead showed aloofness. but nothing can be taken for granted, not my silent affection nor their tacit understanding.

recently i dreamt of a chase and while we were hiding behind a huge rock one translucent man gave birth to baby siberian tigers.

another thing bothering me is my lack of christian faith or any faith for that matter. through simple observation i have noticed admirable characteristics in people with religion that i don't see in people without one. Things like self-reassurance, contentment and just plain, pure faith that things will turn out fine. So what if I used to despise this? i can't articulate properly why, but it goes something like, those people are weak and need to rely on their own make-beliefs to pick themselves up from failure/adversity. Those people need external strength to feel love and happiness and to give up their sins. Now I am more receptive to the idea because I feel like I cannot do it alone. and i've tried for a long enough time.

One more thing. I am beginning to feel utterly fed up with the whole med school idea. I enjoy my job now, I can see opportunities ahead to rise into places I want to be, and I like the security of a bond. Did I mention how much I love Singapore? i can assure you this is a function of my sentimentality, not government propaganda.

anyway, i've tired myself out of my problems again and it's time to get back to the real world.