so SAD! =( after the wash u interview, i thought i got in...but i didn't. i don't know why. in my eyes the interview went very well...i guess my eyes are not as good at seeing clearly as i thought.

should i go for penn and emory? i'm so disheartened. i'm not as sure of myself anymore.

and to think all through the plane ride i was worrying about the needless. about what to do with my astar committment and how to be with mr loris if i did my mdphd. doesn't look like it's gonna happen now.

in a sense i'm relieved. if i decide not to go for the other interviews, i'll probably feel a lot better.

how do i decide?

in the ord-hk ride, this cute lil boy sat beside me and put his tiny foot on my thigh every now and then while he slept on his mum's lap. he was really really cute, as cute as my pom. and as i sat there looking at him curled up on two seats i felt my motherly instincts twitch. as i told mr loris, i must be getting old because kids can somehow move me like they never could before.

so while i was worrying about my (now known non-) acceptance to wash u i also thought about how doing an mdphd may not be the best option for me. i want to have kids, and i want to be there when they grow up. i want to do other things besides science, like learning to dance good salsa, to sing in a musical (haha, my long-time dream). what i mean is, i don't see happiness in a life that is 99% career-oriented, much as I'd like to be a successful career woman. i want to be a successful person more, and being that means having a family to nurture and nurturing it well, and doing meaningful science, and pursuing my personal hobbies. these are the things that can make me happy. will i have the time to do all this if i go down the mdphd track?

sigh. you'd think that having the option is a blessing, but it may not be. i'm torn between choices. i still have a shot at the other schools, but even if i get in, should i do it?

on the other hand, the easier way out, which may also be the better way, beckons. the calling is strong.