i don't really care if i'm doing it for the right reasons. at least not now, now i don't care. now i'm still waking up with the lump in my chest. it's like a cancer that spreads and hurts. Want to wake up again, at least numb. I knew it would turn out this way. i want to hug and cry...no really. i think it would be somewhat therapeutic. at least i should scream, like those drama queens on tv. screaming into the ocean and letting its vastness drown out my smallness. even whatever that's in me that seems so big, and growing and engulfing, that seems like its swallowing me up- even that would disappear into the deafening open. i should go out to the edge of the sea.